she will not be able to fix this. like she fixes everything.
and the little things matter. and she always bets on the losing horses because she knows they lose.
maybe they lose so much that they'll be happy enough to win her.
maybe she
could be a loss.
she feels so little sometimes. like so molecular.
all these bugs surround her like she's already dead.
they're all waiting.
and they all feel so sorry.
did you know what happened to her father
they all know that she thinks of killing herself.
deep down they expect her to. it's only logical.
the flies are hungry and waiting for her to die.
she would have if she weren't so scared of dying.
of losing her potential.
but she thinks about it all the time.
sometimes that's all she thinks about.
other times she thinks of all that she is not. and never will be again.
she dreams of being owned again.
a dream away.
never forsaken.
the flies never enter her dreams. they are too fat to fit through her ears.
while walking she meets a boy.
do you hate home because of your father.
i don't know maybe. she laughs because that's sort of far from crying.
his mother calls him from afar. and he shouts back at her. she is upset that he isn't sleeping.
their conversation is uncomfortably intimate.
this whole thing feels uncomfortable.
and intimate.
she doesn't know how to pronounce it.
in tee met
ein tea meet
in tea meet
do you want to have coffee with me
no. it upsets my stomach.
she watches the dragons and he watches her. he wears these spectacles. they're sort of grey. and he makes her laugh.
sometimes.
sometimes he speaks too much. sometimes he is too intimate. sometimes there's always something that's wrong.
her body leaves her when he sat next to her. this is a strange sort of abandonment she thinks. on the brown, he gets closer and she starts shivering.
she will vomit.
he is not wearing his glasses today, she thinks.
he will be opportunistic today.
but he wears this watch.
and makes her feel
like a daughter.
he asks for her hand.
she decides to tell him about how harrowing it has been.
i would give you a hug but
she doesn't do hugs.
but she has told him.
somewhere deep down she hopes it scares him away. the horror.
the horror leaves her mouth like vomit with scraps of food from yesterday's dinner.
her stomach hurts when he seems to understand.
it hurts even more when he doesn't.
somewhere deep down she hoped she would be a loss heavy enough.
instead he puts her in her place. the kid that she is. he draws open the curtains and the kid she protects comes out scared and shivering. her kid is under the spotlight.
where she can't save her anymore.
she speculates whether her horrors were
another story.
another theatre script.
all those horrors. she could have cried that day.
he didn't wear his glasses today either, she thinks.
he then looks at her with an infantilizing lust. she feels like a child and she feels how it felt at 13.
she hides her kid and acts tough. like she can handle that. like she handled it at 13.
she does some big adult tough things.
she is not
13.
18.
i've been thinking and i want to put a stop to
whatever this is.
she wonders if he wore his glasses when he wrote that.
she wears a white shirt. he has kept his hair dry today. not greasy like he did when he needed something from her.
he then shuts a door on her face.
but opens it for her when she walks through.
he wore his glasses today, she thinks.
she cried.
she remembered her mother from a while ago. when she took off her glasses. and when she kept them on. she liked it off.
she remembered her father from a while ago. when he wore them at night. and when he kept them off.
she liked it on.
they were different people.
she sits in the grass. and refuses to keep walking. there's nowhere to run to.
she has no more money for the horses.
and she will always remain a child that came from nowhere. everyone in the class is older than her.
what train, what track.
she will die his daughter. she will die with no autonomy of her own.
she will die knowing her fate.
she will die having heard an echo of everything that happens to her.
she will die.
down by the train tracks.
she only ever wanted to live, she tells me.
all the pebbles in her pocket are so heavy. and she is so scared of being naked and dead.
